Another Delightful Exchange With my Sister.

I have to say the conversations I have with my sister are some of the highlights of my day. I was reviewing some of our old conversations and I have decided to give you some tidbits of humor to brighten your day.


Sister: Jesus moms cats.
Me: Yes
Me: You just saw the post?
Sister:Yeah I worked today.
Me: Yea...
Sister: I knew she was getting them but didn't know it was today
Sister: They look like assholes.
Me:Yep
Me:But she is happy
Sister: She is replacing us
Me: Haha
Me: The sad realization that we are being replaced by cats...
Sister: yes
Me: #crazycatlady
Sister: You can be Elle Mae
Sister: I'll be Jethro
Me: hahaha

Sister:

Me: Oh sweet Jesus

Sister: That's moms cat

Me: Do you have kitten envy?

Me: hahaha

Sister: No Fuck cats. They're gross, and hairy and fishy. All things bad.

Other Delightful tidbits from my lovely sister

"Dude I am in Caribou. It's like crazy. Not like I love the city or anything but holy shit. When asked about local restaurants to sample, our concierge suggested Burger King"

"It would have to be the perfect time of year where the ground is firm but not frozen"-Discussing grave digging.

"Oh. Nevermind. That sounds like a disgusting ass drink. Are you sure I'll like this guy?haha"

"by sweetheart do you mean fugly?"

Me: We are releasing "Oprah Chai" next month...

Sister: What on earth... Oprah?

Me: She is getting involved with Teavana... she made a custom Chai blend.

Sister: ooohhh I see. Like a tea bag?

Me: Probably. and loose at Teavana stores.

Sister: Fancy

Me: "Can I get a venti Oprah?" Please shoot me

Sister: Hehehehe graaaande Oprah. Nonfat

On my birthday

Sister: Happy Birthday! Hope someone made you a cake

...

Sister: Ooo! Eat steak

Me: I don't eat red meat lol

Sister: FINE

Sister: Have chicken you picky bitch.

Sister: ;-)

Me: So my new doctor is straight up fucking with me. First it was throat gonorrhea now it was Anal Pap smears...

Sister: Duuude what is their prob

Me: I know right?! I guess it checks for anal cancer and anal STDs

Sister: Gross. They are either thorough or judgy.

...

Sister: Well then they are thorough. Not creepy weirdos.

When I am home sick with double compacted pneumonia 

Sister: In Ells

Sister: DON"T DIE I"LL BE THERE SOON

Sister: :Like that you are going to be avian flu man?

From Ugly Ducking to Graceful Swan, Well More like a Canadian Goose...

I would like to take some time and thank two wonderful Queens who have adopted me since my move to Haverhill,MA. Selena Kyle and Venessa Sweet have become my Fairy Drag Mothers and shown me how to become a star. Selena met me and saw the diamond that I was hidden underneath a whole lot of rough, sass and a bit more then a touch of trash. At this point in my life I had been preforming as AmanDa Fondle for 8 years, and was one of the longest standing queens at the University of Maine. I had preformed at a number of bars and shows, and had the pleasure of sharing the stage with Mimi Imfurst from RuPaul's Drag Race. But even with this impressive pedigree there was definitely some work needed.

Look at that Kesha like hot Mess!

Did I mention Trashy?

Ok This one is a favorite

 So This is the Pre-Make over Amanda. I was uncoordinated, had no concept of contouring and all around hot mess, but what I did have going for me was personality and persona. Amanda had no shame, especially after a cocktail or three. Some famous lines include: "Who do I need to blow to get a drink around here?" "Same as yours baby, AManDa Fondle!" or my personal favorite "That boy is like a mobile Chinese buffet, Delicious, tasty and terrible for your hips." Like I said before, Amanda was not the classiest broad out there, but at least she was funny.

So enter Selena and Venessa:

Venessa and Selena

Miss Selena Kyle

Miss Venessa Sweet

These two queens took me under their wings and taught me how to go from Trashy hot mess, to the Drag Princess I am today. They have shown me how to move and how to properly contour my face. Here is what I look like today.

Look at that Cleavage! and those cheeks!

No wig, just make-up and some towels and I still give good face!

You can give me a pretty face, but Amanda will always love the Vino

And at the End of the night, I still have work todo

I have come a long way with more then a little help from my Fairy Drag Mothers, but I still do have a lot of work ahead of me, but I have two of the best teachers around to help me along the way!
Thanks for everything Selina and Venessa! I would not be half the queen I am today if not for you two!

Don't be a Grindr Queen

Most of you have at this point have realized I am a gay guy, I know shocking right? Well as a gay man it is difficult to meet new people sometimes, so of course in this technological age we live in, there is now an app for that! Well there are a bunch of apps, but I am going to talk about one, maybe two of them in this post. The best known gay app on the market right now is Grindr. I describe it as Gaydar for your phone. Before I go into this topic further I would like to tell you how I was introduced to this delightful app.

One night about two years ago I was drunk(which is how all the best stories start), and was chatting with a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless at the moment, told me about this crazy app a friend of hers had that showed all the gay men in the area. Me being the fabulously drunk that I am, decided that this was the coolest thing ever, and I had to have it! Thus started the nightmare that is Grindr. Don't get me wrong, being able to be a total creeper with my phone, and seeing all of the 'momos in the area is great, what is not so great is the Grindr Queens. Of course me being the awesome person I am, I have taken the liberty off taking screen shots of the better conversations I have had on this app in the past 6 months.

The Art of Drunk Dialing

This post is brought to you by the two bottles of wine I attempted to consume last night ( I only half succeeded).
Yesterday was a really hard day for my family. Everyone is ok, it was just a long emotionally draining day, which ended with my sister and I shopping for booze at a beverage warehouse near my parents place. I bought these two bottles because I thought they were pretty, with the intention of drinking both of them like I used to be able to. By the time I finished the first one I was well on my way to blackout town. When I get to this point I tend to pull out my phone and go through my contacts, bestowing 60 second clips of pure joy and delight upon my unsuspecting victims voicemails. I have become quite famous, well infamous, for my drunk dials to my girls. I normally do not remember these calls, and have to be told about them the next day, but this time I have a hazy recollection of the evening so I decided I should share some dos and don'ts of the drunk dial. Follow these simple tips and you will be well on your way to becoming a famous drunk dialer too!

1. The first thing is make sure you are adequately intoxicated to be humorous, but not so drunk you can not speak, or operate your phone correctly. The last thing you want to do is accidentally drunk dial your boss instead of your best hag. You also want to be drunk enough that if you say something you are going to regret in the morning you can totally play it off like you were so drunk you have no idea what this person is talking about.
2. Have a plan. Nothing to serious, cause lets face it, you are pretty much 3 sheets to the wind at this point, but have a sketch of an idea. Like I usually drunk dialed people while I walk home from the bar. For two reasons, it makes the walk so much more entertaining, and secondly people are less likely to fuck with you when you are on the phone. (I get a touch paranoid when I have been drinking heavily). I like to have a rough idea of where I am going to be when I do drunk dials, and I have an idea of who I am going to call. To the point where there was a time I was going to the bar quite often and the girl I called at a certain point would answer the phone with "No you can not pee on *blank fraternity*'s sign".
3. Who to call: Be careful when planning out who you want to bestow these lovely gems upon. I tend to stick with my girls, who do not have kids, and who are not light sleepers and/or ones who will still be awake. I do not call boys for the most point, especially ones I am attracted to, as that is just a recipe for disaster. Think of people who you think would enjoy your little gems of wonder. Best friend=awesome, your mother=not so much.(although I once accidentally drunk dialed my dad who happened to be drunk as well and it was probably the best conversation we have ever had and don't remember.)
4. Limit yourself. You want these to be short and sweet. Enough to get some great laughs, but not so long the person gets bored with you. No one likes a 3 minute voicemail, no matter how entertaining you find the fact you fell over into a lilac bush and found a wild wildebeast in front of your house. (turned out to be a woodchuck, but still).
5. Keep it humorous. Like I tend to use a few inside jokes, tell them where I am currently, just incase I get kidnapped, and then reiterate the fact I am shit housed a few more times, then move on to the next victim in my phone.

Keep these rules in mind next time you are drinking heavily and enjoy yourself! I hope you enjoyed the little insight into my drunken mind.

Randomness Ensues

Hello world!

I hope you all enjoyed my foray into drunken blogging last night. It was a test to see if that was the kind of direction I wanted to take this blog. I started this blog years ago to be a collection of random life lessons that I was hoping to one day turn into a book. Then it died. Then like a zombie I brought it back to life, but now I think it is time to give this blog a new purpose in life, well undead life. While I will continue to post random life lessons for hags, and aspiring hags, I am also going to post random crap that I find funny, things that irk me, and other crap. I can't promise I am going to continue post regularly, as I am a manic ADHD gay who works crazy hours.  Now for an entertaining text convo between my sister and I about my Ex, being fat, boobs, and using butt fat as lamp oil.

My Parents went to Gay Disney and forgot me at home

Source  Well they did...

So today I got up super early and was so productive(which is really odd) that I decided I should make the hour long trek to my parents home to see them. Thankfully I checked facebook first. My mother had just posted a photo of the New Hampshire Bridge. For those of you who don't know the "green bridge" is the major landmark that shows you that you are officially leaving the Glorious state of Maine. As I grew concerned I checked further, and found out that my parents were in fact leaving the state, and committing the most horrific of crimes; they were going to Cape Cod without even telling me!!! For you who live under a rock at the end of Cape Cod is this magical little village known as Provincetown, or as I like to call it Gay Disney World. It is a quant little fishing village where Drag Queens roam freely, there are like a million sex shops and everything is rainbow colored. Then somewhere in the middle of this is a large population of Portugese catholics. It's truly one of the most amazing and magical places I have ever been, other then San Francisco of course, but this is like the East Coast's answer to San Francisco.

Then to rub salt into my bleeding wounds of being abandoned by my parents I log on to facebook and see this:

My Mother:Well, we made it to the Cape in one piece. Got to our cabin and unpacked. Sitting back now enjoying the breeze...life IS good!
So of course I had to comment; well rather the 4 beers I have already had this afternoon had to.

Me:Thanks for letting me know you are spending the 4th of july in the gayest place on the eastern seaboard, while your awesomely gay son is stuck in bangor with phish... P.S. I was going to come down and visit today, then I saw the post of the New Hampshire Bridge pic. Again, thanks for letting your child know you are leaving the state mum.
Mother:Call home once in awhile!*your sister*'s home doing nothing i am sure-Love Mum
Random interjection from a relative: blah blah blah not related.
Me:But while *My sister* is pretty awesome she is no gay Disney world(P-town) full of glitter and rainbows. And phones work both ways Edith**
Another random interjection, this time from my high school french teacher:  Enjoying the mother-son repartee. Just spend an enjoyable time with *your sister*. Hope you all have a nice 4th!
My Mother:(trying to suck up for abandoning me) Enjoying the mother-son repartee. Just spend an enjoyable time withKaileigh Duym. Hope you all have a nice 4th! 
Me:I am going to spend my fourth with grouchy hungover fish heads demanding coffee instead of drag queens on a beach...

I think I officially have won this epic battle, as there has been no response from her in the last hour. I am going to mark that as a win. And I am getting too drunk to be overly witty at this point.

*My Sister* I changed her name to protect her from the shame of my drunken blogging
**Edith, as in Edith from All in the Family Edith. It's a family joke that I just call my mother Edith when she does something foolish, stupid, or cold hearted, like leave me home when she goes to gay paradise.


That's all I got tonight, I am too drunk to continue blogging much more. Hope you enjoy this new feature for Your Gay Best Friend's Guide to Life. I am trying something new out.

Death of a Hag, well not dead but she might as well be

RIP Becca, She was a Great Hag

This is Becca. My original hag. This is my Eulogy for her. As I have decided she is dead, since I have not heard from her in almost a month, and have not seen her since April. Other then Facebook updates she is gone, and let's face it anyone can post things on Facebook, and to a gay man no contact in over a week means your dead, or you better be because there is no other excuse to ignore your GBFF for that long!

My Dearest Becca, you were a good hag, despite your obsession with the color black, and abandoning me for a pair of bulging biceps(See Andy) once or twice. I will miss our random adventures, road trips where we try to kill each other because we end up in Vermont instead of Maine, and making fun of girls who shorts are shorter then her mother's mustache. Gone are days wasted drinking coffee and eating all the delectable baked treats I made in your tiny ass kitchen, bitching about the boys du jour, or the pot heads next door. I will drink bad K-Cup coffee and a Gin Rickey(even if it does bad things to me) in your honor.

If you are not dead, and see this please contact your gay ASAP before I finish planning your fabulous funeral (with a strict no black dress code).

Love Jacquith, your Sassy GBFF